PDA is a Nightmare
No, not the romantic kind. That's probably really nice and I'm happy for y'all
I did The Thing again.
You know, that thing, where you tell yourself you’re going to do something, but the mere fact of telling yourself you’re going to do it inspires a feeling of dread because—oh no—it is now an Obligation™, rather than Something You Get To Do?
It has a name. It’s called Pathological Demand Avoidance and it is a demon. In fact, it feels like my own personal demon personally assigned to me by the Devil because he was thinking of me, personally and specifically, when he was supposed to be rubberstamping the duty roster one of his very capable underlings already prepared.
Yes.
Me.
Personally.
What inspires “Well, Now I’m Not Gonna Do It” Brain? So glad you asked. Science has no fucking idea. The research isn’t exactly conclusive and people who experience Pathological Demand Avoidance are a diverse group. But I’m a patterns person who is also extremely ̶s̶e̶l̶f̶-̶ ̶̶̶c̶̶̶r̶̶̶i̶̶̶t̶̶̶i̶̶̶c̶̶̶a̶̶̶l̶̶̶ self-aware, so—speaking only for how it manifests in myself—I’ve concluded that it’s my oldest friend: Fear of Failure (and the intense anxiety Fear of Failure provokes in me). My hypothesis, based on this biased, subjective case study, is that Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is trauma-related.
The genesis of my PDA went like this:
Be a young child of whom perfection is always demanded, even on the first try.
Try very hard (usually without guidance of any kind).
Come up short.
Get punished.
Wash.
Rinse.
Repeat.
School. Social interactions. Self-discipline. No matter the context, there’s only punishment and non-punishment. Never praise. Never acknowledgement—because perfection is the default, so why provide positive reinforcement for perfection, right?
Well, I told myself I was going to write three blog posts about Jaws—one for each act/set of villains in the film. But the archetype of villainy of Acts Two and Three is so ever-present in our culture right now and I am personally dealing with people in my private life who fit the bill that I’ve been exhausted/triggered/depressed by the prospect of writing not one, but two posts about something I need escape from.
Hence, why I did The Thing. Every time I thought about posting, I didn’t want to because those essays were next on my To-Do List and I, clearly, couldn’t do anything else because I SAID I was going to write those next.
No, Hype, you can’t write about the ingenious set design in Jurassic Park because you still have Those Jaws Posts.
No, Hype, you can’t write about how someone was an absolute douchecanoe to you about your accessibility aid at a “women’s empowerment conference” because you still have Those Jaws Posts.
No, Hype, you can’t write about your hilarious new 80-year-old bestie from the Opera Guild because you still have Those Jaws Posts.
The avoidance got so bad that I couldn’t even have my laptop in my sightline because I’d feel physically ill about what I said I was going to do, but hadn’t done. And then the guilt was eating away at me. And then the anxiety about disappearing for a few weeks after very recently telling y’all I felt like an asshole for having done that earlier this year became all-consuming. And then I was spiraling—so, of course, before I knew it—BOOM!—I was at the trailhead of a panic attack.
Over the weekend, one of my friends very astutely clocked that I was not only NOT writing, but was also avoiding all conversation about writing. Because she’s brilliant and compassionate and will someday realize she’s too good to be my friend, she asked why I haven’t been writing in a way that I didn’t realize was her asking why I haven’t been writing (lawyers are tricksy like that). I was honest and told her about All Of This and she said something so freaking obvious that I ::record scratch:: stopped in my tracks and blank-screened for 7 to 10 seconds.
“Isn’t your newsletter called Attention Generous because you’re generous with your attention?”
Girl. W H A T.
Yes. Yes it is. This is my blog. I get to write about whatever I want! And if I don’t want to write those Jaws essays now—or ever—I don’t have to. And *I* get to keep working to heal from the trauma that makes me demand avoidant on the timeline that works best for me. Full stop.
So—fair warning, y’all—I’ll be writing about whatever. How’s that for branding?
There's at least one thing in my experience of self that's very like PDA; I irrationally resist reading or watching something after somebody recommends it. Somehow especially if they picked it out as something I, specifically, would like, and is like "you oughtta," or "let me know what you think," etc. I can literally be looking forward to reading something, and dread that somebody will tell me to read it before I get to it. Very high on my "Why TF am I like this?" list.