Liveblog of Alien (1979)

Back in June when I first watched Jaws, I promptly gushed to a neighbor about it. Instead of immediately making a swift and desperate exit from the probably one-sided conversation, he pulled a total dad move and asked what other classics I hadn’t seen yet. Then, he pulled a final boss dad move and offered to drop off DVDs of the movies he had in his collection that he felt I should watch—which is how I ended up with a mailbox full of discs for The Sting, Enter the Dragon, Footloose, The Manchurian Candidate, Alien, and How to Steal A Million like it was the early days of Netflix (although I don’t think I could have afforded six DVDs in any economy.) Now, I wasn’t sure what the return policy was on these discs and I didn’t want to hold onto them for as long as it would reasonably take me to watch them all on account of my asthenopia, so I gave the movies back before I made any real dent in the stack. But I did add the ones I didn’t get a chance to see to my watchlist and I’m looking forward to enjoying them at some point.

One of the movies I did watch, though, was Alien (1979). I’m a little embarrassed to admit this so please be kind: I didn’t know this movie existed. I thought Aliens (1986) was the first in the franchise so when my neighbor very kindly asked me if I’d seen Alien, I said, “Game over, man!” and he looked at me like I had kicked his dog. (For the record, I would never. Not just because I love dogs, but also because his XL Bully looks just like Handsome Dan.)

At the end of June when I watched this movie, I liveblogged it on Bluesky and since y’all enjoyed my thread about Jaws, I thought I’d share the Alien thread over here, too. I’d love to hear from you about the movie and, of course, about any classic films that have stuck with you.

Here we go.

* * *

1. Alright, I’m back with another live skeet (surely there was a better name,

   @bsky.app) of a film. This time it’s Ridley Scott’s 1979 Alien. I’m excited to watch this after seeing Jaws since people say it owes a lot to that movie! A thread:

2. I do NOT like haunted house movies and the entries in the xenomorph franchise are basically haunted house films that take place in space. Although the same logic should apply to Predator, for some reason, I’ve seen several. (Read: Predator is hot. We listen and we don’t judge.)

3. (I absolutely positutely am not going to apologize for finding Predator hot. Monster romance exists for a reason, okay? Also, a lot of you would fuck Prince Adam from Beauty and the Beast before he turned back into a human BECAUSE HE WAS HOT—actually hotter than when he was a human. And you would be right.)

4. Anyway, I’m getting off the track. I’ll save the monster-fucking apologia for another day, perhaps after a rewatch of The Shape of Water.

5. Back to Alien: I’m looking forward to watching it. I saw Aliens when I was a kid and it scared the bejeezus out of me. But I survived Jaws so I’m hopeful!

6. I’m going to scarf some food and then start the film. Brb.

7. Why was Jaws PG, but Alien was rated R? Film ratings are confusing.

8. Hold up, Jerry Goldsmith scored this!? Oh man. This is gonna be great.

9. The opening exterior and interior shots of the Nostromo are i n c r e d i b l e. God, I love practical effects

10. I WANT TO TOUCH EVERY BUTTON AND FLIP EVERY SWITCH IN THIS SHIP. Enough with touch screens, give me cassette futurism!

11. The crew is waking up. I genuinely hope this is not what panties look like in the future.

12. I did not realize Bilbo Baggins was in this

13. This set is outrageous. I love the contrast between the areas of the ship where the officers work and where the grunts work. Poor Brett and Parker bitching about their wages and working conditions. It’s 2122 and the capitalists are still screwing the working class

14. Uh oh. Mother woke them up to check out a transmission and they have to check it out because their contract obligates them. Seems sus

15. I am really digging all these close-ups of the models. The artistry is unreal. But I am stressed about this landing. Stuff is already going wrong and they’re acting like everything is fine. It ain’t fine, y’all

16. lol at Brett telling Parker it will take 17 hours to fix the ship and Parker telling the bridge it will take 25 hours. That’s right, baby, underpromise and overdeliver!

17. Lambert’s reaction to being voluntold to check out the source of the call is so relatable. Why can’t Bilbo Baggins and Twink John Hurt do this themselves?

18. So it looks like Dallas is part of the away team. How very Starfleet of him. It’s too soon to tell how many of the trio are wearing red, though

19. Is it okay to say that Bilbo Baggins gives me the creeps? Something is off about that guy and it’s not whatever that uniform is

20. Sigourney is such a babe. Look at that mane. She’s supposed to look all sweaty and gross but she looks hawt.

21. Ridley is really dialing the tension up with the respirator sounds here. Diabolical.

22. Why do the team’s helmet cameras and comms suck so bad before the interference—oh never mind, it’s capitalism.

23. No. Nope. No. I’m sorry but no. If I walked into an alien structure and the walls looked like this I would be GONE. There is nothing good waiting for you in a place with sweaty walls

24. So the score is crystal clear:

    Sweaty Weaver: Hot

    Sweaty Walls: NOT

25. Much like Jaws the decision to have soundtrack music versus not have soundtrack music is crucial to the story. Case in point: I was crawling out of my fucking skin with just the respirator sounds. Then, when the music kicked back in, my stress level ratcheted up to eleven.

26. The sound engineering in this film is blowing my mind. John Hurt’s boot squeak climbing the ladder was revolting (complimentary)

27. DEAD ALIEN LIFE FORM WITH ACUTE PERFORATING TRAUMA ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT

28. “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Yes, listen to Lambert. Leave. Vamoose. Scram.

29. JOHN HURT NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING

30. My girl Ripley says the SOS is actually a warning and wants to get the team out of there, but Bilbo Baggins won’t have it and is being cagey AF. Nuh uh. This dude is sinister. Dork-sided.

31. Back in the haunted house, for some reason, John Hurt is lowering himself into a dark hole instead of doing the reasonable thing, which would be to crack a few glow sticks and let them clatter on down, followed by a remote camera. I guarantee that towing ship has got some glow sticks and cameras

32. See, this is why Ridley Scott sent them white folks to explore that distress call, because I know my man Parker would. not. have. gone. White people always have to go investigate the noise or the light under the door. Mind. Your. Own. Business. If those folks in the Titan submersible had MTOB, they’d be alive

33. John Hurt is dangling in a dark ass alien cave and I can still see him and all the sweaty walls just fine thankyouverymuch because people used to light their movies properly. You don’t have to fix so much in post if you get it right the first time, lads

34. After Jaws, I am warming to the possibility of an essay about white people minding their business and leaving everyone alone. They only got eaten in Amity because they wouldn’t leave the shark alone. Now they’re about to get . . . oviposited because they’re nosy

35. This man just said this pit is full of eggs. SIR. If you don’t get your ass out of that hole right the fuck now. Even if I hadn’t seen Aliens first, the giant dead alien in the really big fucking chair with a spider ossified to its face would have been a goddamned clue that you do not want to be there

36. Ay Dios mío este tonto. Este completo patán. Es un elefante en un maldito gallinero—WHY WOULD YOU GET CLOSE WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH THE EGGS WHY WOULD YOU STAY IF THERE IS MOVEMENT

37. Twink John Hurt got hurt.

38. Dallas wants to come back onto the Nostromo with an alien organism. Ripley cites the quarantine procedure—AS SHE SHOULD—and then Bilbo Fucking Baggins opens the hatch anyway. Ugh, am I really watching a second movie in a week where people die because people with agendas don’t want to follow the precautionary principle

39. The face hugger is so . . . juicy. Ew. Also the team needs to be wearing eleventy million times more PPE.

40. Aside, while hurt John Hurt is being scanned: Why do futuristic movies always put people in onesies? They are wedgie central and complicate the toilet. You either have to take them down from the top, in which case hullo chesticles, or you undo a crotch snap and have to hold the flaps out of the way.

41. Bilbo Baggins is up to some fuckshit and I. don’t. like. it. The acid hunt is really good though. Not for the crew, obviously, but as a viewer it really ratchets the tension up

42. Why does Bilbo drink so much milk

43. The face hugger is gone!!!? You know what I’m going to say. Let’s say it together, shall we? GET. THE FUCK. OUT. OF. THERE.

44. Lmao the crew looking for the face hugger is exactly how I look for bugs I have spotted but have disappeared since I went to find the Raid

45. Welp, 10/10 for how realistic the face hugger looks, but this necropsy is definitely going to put me off oysters and crabs for a bit

46. Dallas, the captain, really just said, “I just run the ship. Anything that has to do with science division, Ash has the final say.” What in the Donald Trump is this shit?

47. Oh good he’s just following orders. That’s never caused any problems in the whole of human history

48. Two days before the Nostromo left, the company replaced the usual science officer with Ash!? Oh hell naw. And Dallas wants to take off without everything in working order. Captain Pike would never

49. This is the second time Ash/Bilbo has refused to simply update Dallas over the comms and has instead insisted that Dallas see hurt John Hurt and if I were Dallas, I’d be pissed

50. Ash is sat as far from John Hurt as possible and is watching him like a hawk while everyone else tucks in . . . oh. Oh. He knows. He k n o w s what this alien does. But how does he know? And is that why he replaced the usual science officer? And why he kept making Dallas come in person to the med bay where he could get infected too?

51. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no.

52. Poor John Hurt. (But also, he went in the egg hole so)

53. They yeeted that man into space like he was nothing. Damn.

54. Oh jeeze, the lights are flickering. See! I told you it was a haunted house movie. I. Do. Not. Like. This. I. Do. Not. Like. This. One. Bit.

55. The Jonesy jumpscare was genius. I entirely forgot there was a cat on board. And now Brett is going to separate from the group to get the cat, then he will die because thems the rules

56. See? Brett dead. Alien bigger. The rules.

57. Why is there another room with sweaty walls? And why does this one have chains? And why is it raining inside? Space is weird.

58. I love this scene of Dallas asking Mother for ideas about how to kill the alien. Mother is answering so conservatively; it doesn’t have sufficient data for an answer. Could you imagine if Mother were powered by ChatGPT? The computer would be giving confident wrong answers left and right

59. Mother, powered by ChatGPT would be like, “Great question, Dallas! Here are some ideas about how to deal with the alien life form:

    - ask it nicely to leave

    - tackle it to the ground

    - stab it with a scalpel

    - get it to swallow a nuclear bomb

    - call the Men In Black”

60. Ash keeps talking about collating. You know what collates? Computers. Is this motherfucker an android?

61. I’d like to think I’m a Ripley, but I’m probably a Lambert and I just want to say that Lambert is right to be stressed and cry. This shit is stressful. I am stressed. I have put the volume on the absolute lowest setting where I can still follow along because I AM STRESSED

62. Is it just me or is the logo that boots up when Ripley accesses Mother reminiscent of the Cyberdyne logo from Terminator?

63. OH FUCK. This company sent them to that planet to collect that alien knowing full well it would put the whole crew in danger and endanger anyone they might come in contact with? I am so so so so so so so so so so so tired of fiction predicting our present.

64. “Crew expendable.” Jesus Christ. ::stares in the Trump admin lying to the public about the efficacy of surgical masks, the Biden admin ending masking requirements because Delta fucking said so, and the 2021-2025 return to office initiatives:: Why is everything a pandemic movie this week

65. Would you look at that—Ash is an android. (That magazine scene was so weird and based on everything I know about Ridley Scott—which I’ve learned entirely against my will—I have no doubt it’s got some weird sexual significance that in this instance is probably meant to emulate r*pe. I hate this)

66. No why are they splitting up? What happened to staying together? Don’t these people have horror as a genre in the future?

67. Even setting aside the fact that the company sent the crew to die, so many of the crew’s problems are down to the company cheaping out on pretty much everything. Once again, we have a cautionary tale about capitalism, yet what are we doing in the real world right now but doubling down on capitalism

68. These strobes are . . . a lot.

69. Okay, I stopped posting for awhile in part because of the strobes and in part because I was totally engrossed (which involved hiding behind the couch cushions and begging Ripley to run faster) and then when she got to the shuttle and I realized how much time was left in the movie, I had to get up and take a break because I just knew that alien was going to be in the shuttle AND IT WAS

70. But you know what? The xenomorph was in there looking like a D I V A. Straight up, she looked ready to do a high kick and then twirl on a pole like the entertainment at ::Stephon voice:: New York’s hottest nightclub before Ripley spaced her pleather-clad bottom

71. Has a drag queen ever dressed as the xenomorph? I would watch the hell out of a show like that and tip in twenties!

72. Anyway, that was stressful as hell and I don’t know how Ripley’s just ready to take a six-week cryo-nap after that. I’d be dry heaving at the very least. Definitely sobbing. I’d probably try calling my mom.

73. I’m glad Ripley at least has the cat for company. As a person who has been very isolated for a long time because of the ongoing pandemic, having my dog saved me. I miss him a lot

74. Damn. This movie was a masterpiece. I’m not going to sleep at all tonight because the xenomorph is lurking in every shadow, but I don’t regret watching that at all